Blood Diner (1987)

There is nothing I love more than obscure 80s horror, especially ones that are "bad" because it probably means that there is a killer soundtrack, weird deaths, funny dialogue, and some really cool post punk outfits. Just recently I decided to give Blood Diner a stab since I have never had the chance to see it. It was just, awful. Believe me...I always love a low budget obscure horror...but this was just...awful. 

Based on the cover I assumed it was going to be about a hole in the wall diner out in the middle of nowhere in which the owners probably killed people in the diner and then served them for a lunch special the next day. They should have called this movie Blood What the Hell am I Watching? There is TOO Much Going on, Is this Movie Over Yet, Is This Even a Horror or a Comedy? Because that is exactly what I thought.

The film starts off with 2 brothers as kids (Mikey and Georgie) left at home by their mother, who literally leaves them alone at the house to go to the grocery store to, and I quote, "get some god damn tampons". Shortly after their crazy Uncle Anwar (who even has a name like "Anwar"?) busts through the door with a meat cleaver and tells the boys who are making pretend food his good byes, for moments after police shoot him dead in front of their house since he had been on a killing spree. We fast forward about 10-20 years in time to the 2 brothers as adults. They are digging up their dead uncle for his brain for they want to resurrect him from the dead. They do so, however, their uncle is nothing more than a talking brain and a set of eyes in a jar. After this resurrection the uncle demands that the brothers find the sleaziest women to kill and take their body parts to restore the life of the hell goddess Sheetar. In between all this they also run a diner that serves healthy food...vegetable dishes with human parts mixed in. Okay, now we can call it "Blood Diner". 

This film is sort of like Maniac meets Frankenhooker meets Street Trash. Slasher flicks usually have some comedy elements in slashers which is what makes them so fun to watch, but normally it was still 80% horror and 20% comedy. (I just pulled these numbers out of my ass, but I'd say it's pretty accurate). Slashers in general leave a lot of room for fantasy and creativity. Blood Diner really didn't have a good story. The movie kept going on, and on. There was no balance. It seems to me like they were throwing everything they could at the viewer for the sake of shock value. To be honest, I didn't care about the story, the characters, or overall style. This is coming from the person who will love a movie that has a shitty plot but an amazing atmosphere. I can't believe I am saying this about an 80's horror, but I really hated it and don't plan on ever seeing it again. Surprisingly enough, a lot of people seem to like this movie! I have read a lot of reviews, and I feel like I am working against the grain on this one. I understand why it has it's cult following, but it just wasn't for me. 

However, I will give credit where credit is due. Some scenes worth calling out are the naked aerobics massacre, the vegetarian trucker throwing up all over the diner, and the end ritual zombie scene at the goth bar blasting some Rammstein esque music. By all means, give this one a shot if you love your VHS era films and splatter punk. 

NECROPOLIS (1986)

When I think about the rare horror gems I have encountered, and oh there have been many, one that always sticks out is Necropolis. I saw this tim a few years ago when it aired on a cable movie channel at 2 in the morning. An appropriate time for a special film such as Necropolis . 

Lets start off with the cover art. How fucking bad ass is this? 1980's punk girl in all leather on a motorcycle surrounded by city lights and ominous figures. I really love the play on words and clever tag line. Even the type face used for the film is impressive. It's clean, graphic, pink and sexy. I want to be friends with this motorcycle chick already... oh, and she's the deadly villain from Hell too?!

The film starts 300 years prior to 1980s NYC. We see an evil white haired witch killed while preforming a sacrificial ritual that will enable her to live forever. She comes back 3 centuries later reincarnated, and guess what...she still wants eternal life and beauty, and with the help of new hellish minions. Using her powers of mind control and psychic abilities, she is able to brain wash people into doing things for her, like commit suicide. As each person dies she ingests their souls through drinking the cerebral fluid that is drawn out of their bodies. The cerebral fluid food chain continues with her demonic minions who in turn rely on her for life as well. So comes the scene where she preforms a satanic ritual and unleashes her not 1, not 2, but 3 sets of breasts which soon begin to leak the gooey cerebral fluid from her victims. As this happens her 6 cloaked minions breast feed from her 6 breasts in celebration. 

Meanwhile, a 2 breasted local reporter, a black minister, and a cocky horny investigator are trying to track down who is responsible for these murder victims covered in this mystery fluid. Of course the cute short haired reporter and suave New York City investigator fall for each other, and realize that they too were reincarnated from a past life where they were together...and almost fell victim to our main Witch. 

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When watching this film, you can't go in to this expecting a masterpiece of film work. The director, Bruce Hickey, filmed this while taking a break from directing gay porn (probably why this movie is so awesome).This is for lovers of punk, sleaze, kitsch, cheese, cults, all the good stuff. The dialogue is hilarious, especially that of the sassy gay coroner who said "honey" at the end of every sentence....or the hookers battling with our punkette villain. A deal maker for me were the awesome outfits of our villain. Leather mini skirts, motorcycle jackets, and black tool skirts with short hair and intense makeup givers her an authentic 80s post punk look. My last point is that I like to see this film as empowering to women and even pro feminist due to the fact that our main villain is a female who uses mind control on anyone she wants, especially sleazy men. Both her and our leading woman also rock shorter hair cuts and are depicted as free thinking, strong, and independent.

You can watch this movie in full on youtube!